«El duelo perinatal es silenciado por la sociedad», advierte psicóloga Idaira Izquierdo

«¿Cómo podemos pretender que unos padres olviden que su hijo existió?», observa la especialista, que aboga por visibilizar estas muertes tempranas, y ofrece pautas para quienes pueden estar cerca de una persona que están viviendo esta situación.

Vivimos en una sociedad que silencia la muerte, es un tabú, más aún si cabe en los casos del duelo por aquellos bebés que no llegaron a nacer, que nacieron muertos o vivieron muy poco. Hablamos en este caso de duelo gestacional o perinatal. Este tipo de duelo es particular, porque a nivel social es silenciado, poco tenido en cuenta y minimizado.

Las personas que lo sufren se sienten presionadas a evitar el duelo o pasarlo rápidamente y estar bien en muy poco tiempo. Y esto no sólo no lo pueden lograr, sino que sufren tremendamente. Han perdido a un hijo y sienten un vacío devastador y si, encima, no se les permite a nivel social hablar de su pérdida (ni de su embarazo o el parto), es una mochila muy pesada de cargar.

El duelo por la pérdida de un hijo no depende del tiempo que he pasado con él, sino del vínculo que he generado con ese bebé. Es decir, ¿qué ha significado la presencia de ese bebé para la familia?

Si bien el parto nos hace físicamente padres o madres, el nacimiento de ese bebé comienza mucho antes en nuestra psique, en las expectativas de esa pareja, las ilusiones, la familia que imaginaban o cómo se veían cuidando de ese bebé. De hecho, se comenzó a saber que existía el vínculo prenatal a raíz de las desgarradoras reacciones de dolor que tenían las madres que perdían a sus bebés antes de nacer.

Muchas veces las parejas reciben mensajes de «es la voluntad de Dios» o «son jóvenes, pueden tener otro» o incluso  «mejor ahora que más tarde»…Son mensajes que no sólo son muy dolorosos y no ayudan, sino que muchas veces acaban siendo causa se desacuerdos o conflictos entre quien los ha mencionado y la pareja.

Como recomendación, si eres familiar o amigo de una madre/padre que se encuentra en esta difícil situación:

-Escucha de manera activa y sin juzgar

-Respeta lo que ese bebé significaba para esa persona, no le quites importancia a su pérdida

-Si te habla del bebé y de sus emociones, escucha sin añadir tus valoraciones.

-Es importante que si lo tenía, te refieras al bebé por su nombre.

-Si no sabes qué decir, lo mejor es quedarse en silencio o decir que estás ahí para lo que necesiten (si realmente lo sientes así).

-Ayuda a la pareja con las tareas del hogar o las comidas, porque es posible que durante un tiempo no puedan desenvolverse en este tipo de tareas.

-Padres y madres nunca van a volver a ser los que eran, esta experiencia los cambia para siempre. Por ello, conviene no insistir con preguntas del tipo ¿cuándo volverás a ser la de antes?

Volver a construirse después de un golpe tan duro es posible, pero necesita tiempo y eso depende de cada persona.

El duelo no va de olvidar, no va de superar, sino de aprender a vivir con la pérdida ¿Cómo podemos pretender que unos padres olviden que su hijo existió?

Nuestra propia incapacidad, y la de los demás, para aceptar la muerte y el dolor hacen que haya temas de los que no se habla, y es necesario visibilizar estas muertes inesperadas, tempranas, porque estas familias sufren muchas veces en silencio. Porque nadie está preparado para la muerte de un hijo sea en el momento que sea.

 

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